As a counterpart to Thought Catalog’s 10 Game of Thrones Guys and Whether Or Not You Should Marry Them, we decided to write our own little reviews of some of the female characters in A Song of Ice and Fire.
1. Cersei Lannister
Sure, she’s the queen regent, so she can get shit done, but she’s also a primo bitcherina and she does it with her brother. So, unless you’re a golden-haired Kingslayer, you’re probably not gonna get some. Also, being in the immediate vicinity of the Root Of All Evil (i.e. King Joffrey) might cost you your head in the end.
Wife Material Rating: 3/10
2. Margaery Tyrell
Any lady that is prepared to propose a threesome with her brother to make sure her gay husband lives up to his Royal duty to reproduce is a true winner, gents. This ambitious and pragmatic hottie is not the most romantic soul in the world, but hell, who needs romance in a wife. Keeping both her head and her panties cool, Margaery manages to wed herself to the top. And for those who swing both ways – her brother happens to be pretty damn hot too. Still, considering she has brains and ambition to match her beauty, it will require a brave, brave man to take her on. Unless they’re gay, because this girl is a fabulous fag-hag.
Wife Material Rating: 9/10 (Provided you’re a king, of course. Otherwise you’re screwed.)
3. Sansa Stark
There’s no denying that she is dedicated – the word may have been invented especially for her! But there’s also no denying that she DOESN’T HAVE A FRIGGIN’ CLUE. Her entire life seems to consist of dull resignation to whatever anybody chooses to decide for her. The girl has no self-esteem. If you want to marry a doormat, she’ll be ideal – but let’s give men more credit than that, shall we?
Wife Material Rating: 3/10
As for fiery redheads, this one takes the cake. Ygritte is in all respects the epitome of “Girls Gone Wild”, with the minor setback that this also includes her being able to neither read nor write. This girl is not an easy one for sure, showing tendencies towards belligerence and even disdain, but she’ll definitely warm up to anybody able to tame her, preferably by tying her up with hemp ropes. Not one for the faint of heart, but those with some quick wits, proper hunting skills and tenacity will sure have their beds warmed to burning point.
Wife Material Rating: 7/10
5. Catelyn Stark (née Tully)
Named Stark and being Queen Mother of the North now, Lady Catelyn is still a Tully of the Riverlands at heart. The words “Family, Duty, Honor” are still cherished by her: family comes first. And though her age has but slightly diminished her beauty and vivaciousness, she is a bit of a challenge for prospective husbands. Catelyn already has a lot of family ties to care for, both in House Stark and House Tully, and the chances of raising a new family with the Lady of Winterfell are slight. You’ll never come in first place for Catelyn, and she won’t hesitate make her own decisions for what she deems to be good for her family. Concluding, don’t let her vast holdings and enduring charm fool you. Steer clear.
Wife Material Rating: 4/10
6. Melisandre of Asshai
Proving that gingers most certainly have soul, this flaming redhead takes religious fervor to new heights. Sure, piety is something to admire in a wife, but between the birthing of shadowy assassins and the stealing of husbands, she does illustrate one saying beautifully: don’t stick your dick in crazy.
Wife Material Rating: 0/10
7. Arya Stark
Arya’s brave and sometimes brash behaviour hold much promise. Her keen interest in martial arts and exploration are good indicators of her willingness and ability to defend her family. Arya is a perfect match if you are looking for a mate who’s a real equal in activities such as archery and sword fighting. Because of her sense for adventure, you’ll never have a dull moment. In addition to her less traditional pursuits, she has received a nobles’ education, yet she has shown no desire to marry for power or influence.
All of this is null and void however, since she is currently being trained by the Faceless Men, and she will probably cut you. Also, she is underaged. Pervert.
Wife Material Rating: void until further notice
8. Daenerys Targaryen
Well, hello there. With those innocent purple eyes and the willingness to make hot sweet love to you on a furry rug, there’s no wondering why this little girl turned even the most rugged wildman into a puppy. So sure, great wife material, except for a few minor objectives. Nothing to worry about, of course, but there’s always the husband who could turn you into a bloody pile of bones faster than you can blink your eyes. Also, there’s this tiny little dragon fetish, so unless you’re into fiery little critters with huge claws, think again. On the other hand – if you’re ambitious, this is the girl to court. She’s headstrong as hell and does not settle for less than the Throne. The Iron one.
Wife Material Rating: 8/10
9. Brienne of Tarth
If you’re not into the whole, you know, good looks kind of thing, Brienne is a pretty good catch. She’s strong and brave and loyal and she’ll definitely bring home the proverbial bacon, so you can relax in your castle and watch Real Housewives of Highgarden all day. If you manage to win her heart, that is. Thing is, even though on first sight you might think she’s a clam digger (if you catch my drift), she appears to have given her heart to Renly, who’s not only a sausage smoker (again, if you catch my drift) but also in love with his wife’s brother, so maybe it’s best not to get into that whole mess.
Wife Material Rating: 3/10
Beggars can’t be choosers. When a mystery gift like Shae is presented to you, you don’t have any reason to complain. This woman doesn’t care much about appearance, she is willing to give her body to anyone with enough money. Shae might even be your last hope. Being a prostitute, she is most definitely an improvement on your sex life, as she knows much about sexual fulfillment and positions. Any attempt to get to know her better is useless, because she won’t tell anything about her past or background. But unless she has a history of STD’s or agressive ex-boyfriends, you really shouldn’t be bothered with what you know about her. And who knows, if you manage to win her heart, she might develop a weak spot for you.
Wife Material Rating: 9/10
This article was co-authored by Mike van Dooyeweert, Anniek Groeneveld, Maartje Grooten, Renske Jongbloed, Frank van Meurs, Renke Meuwese, and Nieske Vergunst.